I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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