Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
