Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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