It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
