there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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