Her vagina should come with caution tape.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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