There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
