First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
