Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
