i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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