My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
