dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
