Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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