I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
