I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
