Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
how drunk are you?
Several
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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