No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
