i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
