dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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