he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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