The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
