Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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