if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
