You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
