we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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