So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
