You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
