youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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