just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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