My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
