I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
