with your own penis?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
