Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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