I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Green mimosas i think yes
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
