Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
