My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
