Your mouth is God's brothel.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
And then he peed in my hair
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