Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
