Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
