you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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