There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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