your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
