Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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