What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
