I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He kissed a someone with a penis
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
