1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
