i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Randomize
