Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
