just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
