My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
i think my cat just said my name.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
