i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
