between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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