i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
